What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 05:14
But it wasn’t much.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Why do narcissists and especially covert narcissists always play the victim?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
In bed, not in music, which is better, a drummer or a bass player?
Im still living with it.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Put me off passion for life!!
What do flat earthers think about Antarctica?
I couldn’t, believe it.
She found it foreign!.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Why is Nickelback known to be a bad band?
So, i spoilt her more .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Why do almost all vertebrates have tails, but not apes and frogs?
Was to survive, this bastard.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I have no regrets .
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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
One cannot live in the past .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
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And i lived it daily.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I could never make a relationship work though!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
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He resisted the act ,that day.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
This is soul school!.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But ive been too sick for many years..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But, we were locked up after school.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He knew the spot.
She was in good health!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She loved him until the end.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She married twice! .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
My life is so biszare .
We were not on the streets..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Would this be the day?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Who then, do I blame.?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
We all went to grammer schools
It was going to be , some day.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
What did i know ?
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She wouldn,t have been !
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Why did i forgive my father ?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I was seconnd youngest,
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
So whats the point in blame.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I think the readers, may guess!
I was 9 years of age.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I will be 64.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I don,t even have a pension.
All the time i was locked up.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Especially a lifetime of it.
I waited trembling.
I said to her
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I was very sick at this time too.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My family never makes their pension either.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
As i do to all so called friends.?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I write beautiful poetry .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Comes on , in middle age.
When she asked me how she looked .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I was scared of men, in general
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Ive learnt so much.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)